Funny Story

I came across this story the other day and it had me in tears, hope you have a sick sense of humor too and you enjoy it. Sorry if it offends...

Some of you here already know this story, but I thought it would be a good idea to get it in type.

The setting
We have the standard 6ft. wood privacy fence in the backyard. Years ago, I woke up one morning with my neighbors dog in my yard and our dogs in the neighbors yard. Seems they both dug under from either side and met in the middle.

To make sure this never happened again, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the bottom. Actually, I did it pirate style and overkilled it. I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for I think 6 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key. The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day im mowing the back yard- cheapo walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I know for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it as to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I didnt unplug it.

Now I'm standing there, ive got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that fawking Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, ****, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just sh!t your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point im about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fencewire. My hand is wound around the wire palm down so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. ThisIi could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas. "Fu[k!" I think as I remember I just filled the tank. Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in sh!t, p!ss, j1zz and with my balls on my chest I think "oh God please die... pleeeeze die". But no, it settles into the rough lumpy cam ilde nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard begging God to kill me. No really. I actually asked to God to take me. Yes, I'm agnostic, but as we all know in times like these the agnostic/atheistic crowd will eventually resort to admitting there is a higher power, and then beg said higher power to do their bidding. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right ass cheek (not the left, the right)
3- Sh!t, p!ss, and semen when all mixed together do not smell as bad as you would think
4- My left eye will not open
5- My right eye will not close
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumna***** now. Seriously. I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are 2ft. long
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and I now always check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

Bad, bad blogger!

I have been a very bad blogger, and haven't posted in a long time despite having some great things to write about over the holidays. Anyway, I'll try to be better.

Motorcyclist Apologizes

Anyone who knows me knows that I, along with most other motorcyclists, feel that there is a special place in Hell for people who drive carelessly, recklessly, or aggressively. Here's a funny column about a very not funny reality.

Motorcyclist offers apology and restitution to members of DUMB

An apology is in order, so, please, forgive me. It was not until this morning on my ride to work that I fully understood I was in error.

Yes, I've noticed that there are many very busy and important people on the roads. You all are hard to miss with the cell phones, laptops, breakfast bars, coffee, cigarettes and all, but until now, I didn't realize I was causing so much trouble for you busy, multitasking drivers.

I figured it out this morning, thanks to the nice lady working on the laptop who needed the lane I was in.

First, ma'am, let me say that when I honked at you from the shoulder, I didn't mean to startle you. My intent was just to give you a little beep to let you know the lane was all yours. But I was braking so hard, I couldn't lift my thumb off the horn button. My bad.

I surely didn't mean to cause you to nearly hit the guy talking on the cell phone. You know, he was smoking and talking as he moved his SUV right into the space you had just left.

Anyway, the good news is, that's when I realized all of you multitasking drivers must be texting each other about intended lane changes and running traffic lights and stop signs and such. I'm sorry - I'm still using old-fashioned blinkers. I didn't realize you needed some time to e-notify that guy that you needed the lane back. I really messed it up for both of you!

I can only say that the guard rail was a little distracting, and I was only thinking about myself. I'll try harder next time.

Like I said, I didn't know that was how you multitasking drivers were communicating. It must have been in an e-mail, but my laptop fell off my tank and I haven't replaced it.

However, I have a solution.

I know many of you are so busy and important that you have no choice - you have to eat, work, talk, read and do lots of other really important things as you drive.

Those of us who use the road only for traveling would be happy to stay out of your way; we just need to know you're coming.

A little visual clue would help - I was thinking of a bumper sticker. That way, everyone could identify you as Drivers Utilizing Multiple Behaviors.

Of course, that's a little long, so we'd cut it down to an acronym - DUMB.

If you'd place stickers on the front, back and maybe the sides of your car, the rest of us would know not to interfere with you on the road.

I think it's such a good idea, I'll pay for the bumper stickers and even put them on for you. Deal?

Again, I'm sorry I got in your way. I'll try harder to see you coming from now on.

I promise!

Larry Supina is an Amarillo resident. He works as a safety manager at Pantex.

[Click on it to read the full sized version]

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